Vietnam Blog Title

Vietnam Glasgow Family Style

Captains Log Sep 13th, 5 days into our Vietnam adventure.

We’ve arrived at the Vin Pearl Resort; it’s spectacular. Polished floor to ceiling tiles, chandeliers hanging from the roof, a lounge bar in the lobby, the outlook a massive pool, then the ocean.
I feel like an imposter, a little like we shouldn’t be here, we belong back at the brothel.

The staff are welcoming and friendly, on our arrival, they sit us down with a refreshing drink and go over the touristy things to do, showing us on a map the best shops to visit in Hoi An city.
We are shown to our Villa via electric buggy, the driver confused by our laughing when we pull up to the villa which is approx 20meters away. It would’ve been faster to walk there by the time we all loaded in and out.

via GIPHY

Our villa is a mini palace with two stories, and we have a private pool.

Now I’m starting to relax……no more having to cook or run around with after-school activities for two weeks, absolute bliss! My Sister Rebecca has arrived, she finds our company amusing, the kids swamp her when they see her, I run for the hills.

A Rundown on the welfare of the Glasgows in Vietnam

Izzy:

She has no idea where we are or how long it’s taken us to get here, coming in for landing at Da Nang airport on our flight from Ho Chi Minh she asks me if we are still in NZ, when I tell her no, she says: “Well it didn’t take us long to get to Vietnam did it mum?”
Sure felt like a hell of a long journey to me.
She has earned the nickname ‘honey badger’ cause she really doesn’t give a shit, she looks like a honey badger too. Her hair is wild and her togs have lost their elastic, the bottoms hang down around her knees and she’s missing her two front teeth. She eats until she’s physically uncomfortable, then she’ll poo to make more room. She has stopped walking places and has taken to a weird ape-like gait.

Pearl:

She’s become obsessed with crocodiles. She’s still on about only wanting to eat crocodile meat, and wants to be called ‘crocodile hunter not Pearl’ She cuts a solitary figure most evenings hunting for crocs around the resort

Pearl
Croc hunting

Lily:

I rely on this child heavily to help me with converting NZ dollars to Vietnamese dong; she’s overtaken my math skills at the age of 11, mind you that’s not hard to do. 1million Dong equals about $60nz, could that be any more complicated?

Selina

Selina is my streetwise child. She’s onto the merchandisers’ in the markets wily ways advising me they’re only saying I look beautiful so that I’ll buy their stuff…..

Jake

Jake has decided that he wants to do the ‘Mans not hot challenge’ and wear a jersey most days.
Challenge = FAILED the temp gets up to 37degrees! However, he insists on rapping and skating the lyrics to the song repeatedly, and is on the lookout for a Rolex to complete his gangsta vibe. We’ve tried to lose him in the markets on several occasions, but he sticks to us like glue.
He’s continuously vlogging on his Go pro, narrating EVERY SINGLE MOMENT, and when he’s not talking we can hear his voice playing back on the go pro.
Jake’s YouTube Vlog
Watch it at your peril.

Daniel

Keeps forgetting to wear the correct attire to meals, and has to wear the spare shirt they have at reception, however, he’s somewhat larger than most Asian men

Daniel
Shirt Of Shame

He romantically risked his life and limb by cycling through the crazy traffic into town with a load of washing for me, as the resort charges $10 per T-shirt , our washing after 5 days is a small fortune!

The Vin Pearl Resort Staff

These people find us very entertaining.
Every time we walk past them they laugh and say ‘You’re so funny, five kids, big family!’
It could be the way the kids clear the restaurant of food at meal times. Or they could be laughing at us because of the occasion that Pearl and Honey Badger were playing ‘Mums’ in the pool and Honey Badger tried to breastfeed from Pearl.
Instead of stopping them, the older three kids killed themselves laughing drawing even more attention to the spectacle, mortifying Daniel.

Things I have learned

You can play tricks on passport control with twins

My kids will gorge themselves to death if given the opportunity. They will not stop eating unless I tell them to. The kitchen staff at the buffet keep asking us when we are checking out.

Children really do need supervision in elevators: Pearl jammed her nose in the doors.

The google Maps App is perfect for preventing taxi drivers from taking you the long way home (every single time)

Siri doesn’t translate Vietnamese yet.

It’s super hard to navigate busy streets with speedy scooter drivers and kids who are too busy vlogging to look where they’re going.

It’s fun if you replace lunch with beer.

There is something to be said about safety in numbers: We are the near victims of a swift swindling attempt in a money exchange shop. As the teller was counting money out for Dan, a dodgy guy appeared from off the street and tried to ask the teller a bunch of questions, thereby distracting us from the money so she could make a quick slight of hand. Jake and Dan sensed something was up,  Dan kept his hands on the money while he told the guy to ‘fuck off’, and Jake watched the lady like a hawk. The dude blatantly walked off back out onto the street and around to the back of the shop.
I consider this education for the kids; not everyone has your best interests at heart.

Five days in and the Big Family Always Fucking Sick First Aid Kit has come in handy.

Here’s what I’ve used so far:
Antiseptic Soothing Cream: Jake got bitten by what he calls ‘fire ants’
Liquid Pamol: Izzy ran smack bang into the glass sliding doors (large bump on forehead and headache )
Sofradex eye drops: Jake has developed conjunctivitis.
Instant cooling pack: Pearls’ nose vs elevator doors.
Nurofen: Jakes’ molars are giving him grief.
Plasters: Blisters from Jandals

Things I didn’t need to bring

Fake tanning lotion (I don’t really give a shit about how I look)

Things  I needed to bring

Tweezers, I’m getting a few random chin hairs that need plucking…maybe I do care about how I look

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4 thoughts on “Vietnam Glasgow Family Style”

  1. Drink the beer….. enjoy the pool…..laugh at Daniel…..leave the kids with Becs……relax xx

  2. Sandy Blackburn

    Laughed until I cried! Should make it a travelling guide for parents. Brilliant.

  3. Avril Richards

    Such a great read!! Love your honestly funny ‘home slice’ family travel insights. Can’t wait to see where you plan to go next!

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